butt off


We sell Buttons. They cost $2 each.

Philosophy for hire.  Mouse over each buttoff for more information on its history and abilities as well as its stat modifiers and lore.  Click them to add to cart. That is it. This site was tested by over 400 grandparents and they were able to figure it out. Oh, also shipping cost included in button price.


Don't sit idly by when there is so much improvement to be done to everything. Take perfection, make it better, and try to enhance that.

+1 upgrade
There isn't really much to say besides what is already said. With the exception of so much more. Define your own terms.

+1 perception
Why sleep when you can dream? Wake your inner reality up to a fresh morning of being awesome beyond all comprehensibility.

+1 vision
No waiters and waitresses your service is just fine, this buttoff is referring to the reverse practice of the endurance of passing time.
Also uttering these words will explode an impatient person.

+2 patience
It is easy to get lost in the hum drum stop and go of day to day life. Find yourself now in 2(3) simple steps!
1. Be alive.
2. Be aware of being alive.
3. (optional) wear this button.

+1 clarity
If the very small and simple things that make up the construct of complexity we know as reality, it could then in theory be modified. If you're going to live inside a box you might as well pwn it.

+1 root
Never be afraid to tackle something you don't know or don't understand. Sometimes a reality check is in order and this button is scanning your sector and finding some interesting results.

+1 curiosity
Here at Buttoff we are long standing supporters of the barter system. Unfortunately our trade equivalency cart engine isn't quite finished, so we'll be trading this button with the old fashioned money system.

+1 freeeve
Sadly this is no longer true, on a little backwater planet on the other side of our very own galaxy thinking is punishable by smerthing. It's kind of like pudding diving.

+1 thought
You know you do. I know I do. You do and I do and that red haired fella do too.

+1 attitude
Sometimes holding a sign up can be a really tasking way to give people hugs. So we've managed that technology into this little package for the world to embrace.

+1 cuddly
Fact. Buy local if you can. I don't know who decided to put this world of copy and paste coffeeries out there, but shame on them.

+1 Connoisseur
Don't press this button button.

+2 curiosity if you press it
+2 discipline if you don't
They spring up on roadsides like weeds. Unfortunately they are too large for pesticide so brute force must be used. Fire counts as a brute force right?

-1 advertisement
It might be hard to see but at the bottom in tiny bits there it says "from being useful." Made more for things rather than people. Great for lazy days off from work. Or politicians.

+1 nonexistence
We like to call this one Fuck2.0 - Set to be the flagship of brand new internet swears it got caught in an infinite loop for a while before showing up on a random BBS back in 94'

+1 vulgarity
Unconfuse anger with frustration and you'll have the realization of deviation from procrastination in the brain station.

+1 smarm
Some people want to see this world burn and fail and some want it remade; fewer want to make it better but they still exist, and they'll appreciate your help. Assuming you aren't cheering for the burn and fail team.

+3 momentum
Alternatively - When I say Hip thou shalt not say Hop.

+1 microphone skills
A simple request that nobody seems to willing to oblige.

+1 invoke
If you've come to this website looking for instructions for this particular buttoff you are supposed to hold the person wearing it, not the button itself.

+1 cuddly
This phrase is often misused in every day small talk. This button is to help promote awareness that if you intended to ask how someones entire being is, you should be ready to listen and converse.

+1 existentialism
In the future, which is today, your mind is just as important as ever. Take care of it! In some circles they hug the mind for days on end. If you plan on doing this bring some water and a snack.

+1 philosophy
So many people complain about where they live but never seem to want to move often coupled with poor excuses. Others however prefer to improve their surrounding environment.

+1 community if you stay
+1 new location if you go
I will heart you for whatever reason I deem fit, even if there isn't one, forever, seriously. Probably.

+1 warmfuzzies
If there isn't one there is many.

+1 camaraderie
You see words are like bullets, and they pass right through me like ice cream because I'm very lactose intolerant. Unfuckwithable.

+1 mental shielding
Something other than this button. Maybe it should say invent something useful and clever, but then again I do like rube goldberg machines.

+1 ingenuity
Thinking all the time has got to account for something right? Now books, books are good people. Some of my best friends are books.

+1 obscurity
You may need to brush up on your OSI layers for this one. Also great at LAN parties.

+1 packet
Not on my floor though, I just freakin vacuumed in there!

+1 apathy
It was a lot more romantic in the days of having many words for one thing. Now we have ostentatious homonyms roaming the streets like hungry hungry hippos.

+1 love
It may not be, but there are definitely times where it sure can feel like it. Why not pile all the crap in the same place right? Perfect for those extra gloomy days.

+1 speculation
Can you argue this little buttons logic? He's a smart cookie. This buttoff comes with a PHD in retort.

+1 knowledge
When you get abducted by aliens, and you will be abducted by aliens, you should always have this buttoff handy. It'll turn you instantly invisible giving you the upper hand to take over their ship - or just to observe them in their alien-made job environment.

+2 stealth
This buttoff is not square and pi r round. Also buttons are round. Well all of the buttoffs are. There might be some other shaped buttons out there but they are very suspect to debauchery.

Piece of mind meets peace of heart in a total eclipse.
Turn around.

+0 words
If you find your buttoff isn't responding to your questions try enticing it with a reward. For example: "If you answer my question about life the universe and everything I'll take you out for snow cones afterwords."

+1 inquisition
An appliance is more useful after it ceases to perform its "normal" functions. Better than any day spa or massage. A solid reason to own nunchaku.

Temporary gain of +5 Rage when activated
Spelling second.

+1 sefty
Best when worn ironically. Not available for purchase if you are considered a celebrity.

+1 humility
But leave the button and a shoe lace, I'll wear it home as a necklace.

+1 swank
Long shift? Day? Week? Life? Just a little passive thank you to everyone who is considerate.

+1 you're welcome
Don't get us wrong, you can be on salary and still be a slave. Working for a living doesn't always have to mean working for life.

-1 paycheck
Opposing gang forces start community youth centers to help disadvantaged neighborhood children. Never seems to make the headlines.

+1 coexistence
Consider this every day. Two times a day. Four times a day, every hour, every minute, every action.

+1 introspection
This was originally a working concept button for a brand new political party. The good times party. Alas, it was doomed before it begun; under funded and over intoxicated the good times party went down faster than the bottle of jack that nobody remembers drinking.

+1 political history