Why?

Why do we make buttons?

Because we like making buttons. We don't sell stupid clever things available in every medium like you see at every freakin' store. We are like ancient samurai sword smiths. We have an art and we hone our skills to perfection. Our steel may not be sword shaped but the they can make your thoughts, ideas, and words into a power which can cut through any opposing force that may stand in your way.

Ok... So what's the real reason?

Its always been something of a hobby.  It's not always easy to come up with an expression of thought in such a way which can be easily interpreted by everyone equally. Here at buttoff we like to play in that ambiguity which is present in these mental turned verbal interactions we have with each other by spicing it up with these little nuggets of wordage. Buttoff wants these buttoffs to be butt on you. If that doesn't make sense then read it backwards or maybe even upside down.

Wait what?

An extended social experiment gone right.  Now for a limited time; Buttoff is willing to whore out this sweet swag for your disposal. That is the boring part.

Then what's the exciting part?

We make buttons that get you into a secret club which only people who own or have previously owned these buttoffs know about.  Also some subarashii stuff goes down at the meetings.

I want in!

Slow down there spaz, you're but a young yetohoclo.  That's buttoff for yearns to put holes in clothing.

So I've got the button on, amiintheclubyet?

Partially. If you see someone wearing a buttoff you must acknowledge them with a silent locking of the eyes, pointing directly to where they are wearing their buttoff on yourself and nodding of the head in recognition. If you've done this right, the other person will be nodding with you.

Then what?

What do you mean then what? You've just found someone in the wild with a mutual understanding of buttonery. You can now combine forces to destroy all that is an obstacle in your paths.  Besides that's just one solid thing you've got in common, imagine what else you can talk about.

I'm wearing it but I don't feel any different.

There may be some initial delay before you feel the power. It ranges from person to person but it can take up to 42 waking hours before full activation. If you don't feel it after that time you should first try debugging the buttoff before returning it and claiming its defective.

Debugwha?

If after the first week of ownership the device fails to perform admirably, try freezing it overnight. If that fails to work attach a magnet to the back and hang it on the fridge next to a picture of you and your family. The last thing you want is a lonely button.

What if I just don't like it anymore?

Give it to someone else. But DO NOT we repeat, DO NOT under any circumstance tell the person whom you are giving it to where you got it.

Don't you want people to come here and buy more buttons/buttoffs?

No. Not really. We're doing fine.

What am I supposed to tell the person where I got it when they ask where I got it?

Make something up.  Tell them you found it on the ground or on the subway or on the bus or floating in the air above you as you woke up that morning.  It doesn't matter. Actually take that back, it definitely matters. The longer and more elaborate your story about buttoff acquisition the better it is.

So why even bother with all the trouble?

There is a quote out there that goes something like this "the true artist makes useless shit for rich people to buy" and it strikes us as daft. Art should be everywhere, thought provoking and most importantly conversation starting. So we make zillion dollar art compressed down into Two and a Half inch buttons. We call them buttoffs.

The part about all that stuff you just said, is stupid.

Respectfully disagree but fair enough.

How often are new series of buttoffs released?

New buttoffs are available nearly every week. The thing we do is we release editions. 

Editions?

Yes, there are two editions to each button. First is the domain. The second is the generation.

Gee all of this seems kind of complicated!

Calm yourself down. Just put the thing on someplace noticeable and go somewhere sociable.  The rest is automated.

So how much is shipping?

It's free. Or rather, included in the price of the button.

So how much do one of these buttoffs cost?

They are Two bucks. $2. Two united states dollars. 2 USD. International orders have extra shipping.

Some of these designs are great, but some really suck!

Splendid! Buy the ones you like and skip the ones you don't. 

I have a great idea for a buttoff, wouldja be interested?

Not really. But head over to the contact and shoot us your idea. If it's great we'll make it and send you a dozen or so for payment as your disclosure and agreement to wave all rights and ownership of said idea to buttoff.com and all of its subsidiaries and affiliates. (which we have none)

Are there any discounts for ordering more than a few buttons at a time?

No, but if you order say 7 or more you'll get some secret not-normally-for-sale button.

Secret buttoff? Tell us more!

Then it wouldn't be very secretive would it?

Secret buttoff? Tell us more!

You just said the same thing twice, which is our weakness! Nooooooaaaallright. The secret buttoff may or may not be buttons you've all ready ordered but in duplicate so you can give them to other people by making up nearly unbelievable stories on how you just found these two buttons and now you and your friend should wear them to go someplace and pretend to be from a committee that may or may not involve buttons.

Tell us more.

About what?

Just giving an extra button or two sounds kinda sweet but I want something else.

Ok we are be able to work that out. You may receive buttons undeemed fit to wear the buttoff noun tag.

Was that english?

Parts of it, yes. We am make buttons for life you no can see that are doing?!?

I submitted a picture with a buttoff to you why is not in the sightings?

Oh boy. I knew this question was coming. You might want to sit down. If you are sitting down stand up. Ok, the reason we haven't put your picture up is because well, you might want to sit down for this, they just aren't zazzy enough. Maybe they have enough zazz but they are overly or entirely missing zazz. Try retaking your picture with more or less zazz.

I submitted my idea for a buttoff and got no response! Whats the deal?

Lots of people are out for the free swag. We get alot of those emails. Mostly in the "hey i have an idea for a button" Email inbox. It perhaps wasn't the best idea to have an open suggestion policy, but like the turd miner sorting through peanuts, eventually someone is going to accidentally eat a ring or a ton of gold for whatever reason.

Hey were r my order? WTF shud i snd mor emailz?

No calm down there petrov impatient pants.  They are shipped using the cheapest slowest method possible, and we do this on purpose. No, we don't send them to the opposite side of the planet first (not anymore anyways) we just use regular mail. If you want buttons fast I hear they are on ebay buyitnow for like 8 bucks. Save your money and wait and when they arrive it'll be like a present from your past self.

Why only buttons? Sell shirts and stuff!

No. You already have a bajillion shirts. Put some buttoffs on them.

Whats the goal here?

Sneaky you should ask, the goal is subliminal infiltration.

Subliminal infiltration of what exactly?

Society, culture specifically. You see long after were gone, we'll still exist.

That sounds paradoxical at best.

Hah, allow for some explanation. You see this is on the internet. Unless some earth ending event comes to pass (which it very well may but we are not accounting for that happening so making buttons is still OK) this information will be cached, saved somewhere. Probably by Google. I love those guys.

Sucking up to google so soon?

Well no, in fact BUTTOFF has got beef with them temporarily. It will end when they change something for us.

Change? What should they change for you?

Very passive aggressive wouldn't you say?

Very.

How about top listing for buttoff, button, and all that jazz?

That would be sweet but we're just looking to eliminate the "did you mean" bit.

I got a few buttoffs, but I don't know where to put them! Help!

Have you tried putting them everywhere? Because that's where they look best.

Where else could I put them?

Well you can get a small magnet and put it on the fridge or something. As soon as we prefect our magnetization shelling process you'll be able to stick it on something without adding the magnet. Unfortunately all the parts stick to the machines that make them so there is still a few bugs to work out.

I can't seem to get my button to wear right. Any tips?

You can adjust the pinback. Just grab the pin and the outer edge of the buttoff and rotate. Sideways usually does the trick if vertical won't do and vice versa. By default they are all set to horizontal.

So I made up a crazy story involving a hobo, some ninjas, and an ice cream truck.

Hopefully this is somehow related to how you told a person who is unaware of buttoff.com and the story is about your buttoff procurement.

It is, and they bought it!

Awesome, another great way to not tell people about buttoff.com is to say you got it in a Japanese vending machine. Those things sell everything!

So what if I want to tell people about buttoff.com?

Use what we call our three-step conversation to buttoff promotion. Which goes like this; Your friend makes a comment about the buttoff. You reply; "I got it at buttoff.com, but I'm not supposed to tell you that." They will reply Why is that? or some other variation. You reply; "Just go there." End the conversation abruptly and begin a new one, possibly hilariously still about buttons.

So seriously now. Why buttons?

Ok, we've warmed up to you a bit now I suppose we can tell you some of our ambitions.

Sweet, so, why buttons?

In the near future an object the size of our buttoffs will be able to connect to the entirety of human knowledge. Also it does stuff like your phone and music only a few hundred times better than any igadget.

So that has nothing to do with why you make buttons at all.

It does! It's just not the answer you were expecting. This button of the future may not even come in button shape but it'll be a small device that does everything tech related for you, aside from print. Printing in the future is stupid.

Why is printing in the future... oh nevermind you aren't going tell us why anyway.

Of course we will, in fact we already did! Scroll back to the top you forgetful fred!

Those answers just don't seem satisfying enough.

Well kiddo, what do you want, a bedtime story?

No, I want to know why do you put the things you do on buttons?

Look who suddenly had a refined thought! The messages on the buttoffs cover a wide spectrum of individuals. It's rare anyone person would like them all.  We chose very carefully the font, letter placement, alignment, as well as color.

Color?! All the buttoffs are black and white!

We do not discriminate the colorblind. Plus we love dogs.

Dogs don't wear buttons and they definitely don't read!

Thats just like, your opinion man.

You mentioned that you very carefully create the buttoffs. What is this process?

Most buttoffs are first thought up, then created with prototype materials. After a few weeks of verious field tests, they are submitted to the Automated Wellness Extreme Sampling Optic Memetic Electroanalyzer.  Assuming it passes through the A.W.E.S.O.M.E. and we don't get drunk and lose it at a bar, we will then make it into a buttoff. However 90% of these prototypes fail.

90%?!? How is it that any are made at all?

Hard work is the key to success anywhere. We just don't give up untill the finest buttoffs are available for a very limited time.

You keep making mention to limited time, whatsupwiththat?

Time doesn't exist, Clocks do.

That is a clever statement but not the answer to the question at hand.

Fine fine fine, the limited time is either how long the buttoffs are available until we remove them, or just reach the level of industry we want to be at, then quit making them entirely as to artificially inflate the value so we can sell our stockpiles of reserves and bottom out the market prices.

That sounds brilliant and evil. Will it work?

We think so, it is how most douchey economies work.

But will you actually do it?

No. If anything we'll close up the site and sell it the domain to hollywood for the up and coming movie "ASS ON A SCREEN THAT WONT GO AWAY AND ONCE OR TWICE IT FARTS"

There is no way that is real.

It's a working title. Either way we've already gotten offers for the domain name.

Why sell the company? We like you guys!

Aww thats very sentimental thing to say. If you'll excuse me I've got something in my eye...